Improvising in the Dark: How to "Yes, And" When it All Falls Apart
Life off the stage is equally fraught with flubs, failures, disappointments,
and disasters. It’s part of being human. We all experience failure. We all
suffer pain and grief. Whether it’s pain of our own causing or from something
out of our control, there is no escaping it. Nietzsche said, “to live is to
suffer.” He also said, “to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism proclaim that life always
involves suffering. Suffering comes from our desires, but one can put an end to
suffering through practiced living. (This is a very inadequate summary of
Buddhist thought, but it gives a rough idea.) Christian Scripture proclaims
that, “perfect love casts out fear.” Fear is integral to much of our suffering.
We fear our suffering will be more than we can bear. Often our suffering is
anticipatory, that is, we imagine the worst-case scenario and play it over and
over in our heads until it feels as if it actually happened.
Even though we know pain, loss, and grief are part of life,
that doesn’t diminish the feelings we experience. Our feelings are valid and
should not be ignored or discredited. (Denial) Our feelings left unchecked,
however, can wreak havoc on our lives. There is a saying in meditation circles
“pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Pain can be physical, in the case
of disease or accident. Pain can also be mental in the case of loss, grief, or betrayal.
It is said that {pain x resistance = suffering.} Suffering is not a feeling,
but the interpretation of those painful feelings that involves thoughts,
beliefs, or judgments. It’s not so much what we feel, but what we do with those
feelings.
So, imagine your life is falling apart. Imagine you’re
losing your job, or your spouse wants a divorce, or you find out you have a
chronic illness. All these scenarios are real and extremely painful, so how do
we deal with this kind of news? We can’t change the facts, we can only change our
thoughts, beliefs, and judgments. This is where we improvise. Our life looks
like it’s falling apart, and we have no idea how it’s going to turn out. I can
succumb to suffering and wallow in my pain, or I can acknowledge the reality of
my situation, face the pain, follow the fear, and say, “Yes, this sucks.” Then
I say, “And, here’s what I can actually do right now.” Back to the core tenant
of improvisation, “yes, and.” Another way of saying “yes, and” is to “Affirm
and Build.” Affirm in this sense doesn’t imply the situation is a good thing,
it merely states it is what it is, and we can’t just wish it were different.
The “build” is what I can bring to the table to make the situation better.
Improvisation is about flexibility, teamwork, and
creativity. When life falls apart remind yourself there are options. There is
never only one way to do anything. Secondly, find your team. You can’t do it
alone. Your team can be family, friends,
church, or whoever are your people. Trust them, rely on them, be vulnerable
with them. Your team can’t be there for you if you don’t let them in. Then get
creative. This set-back could be a chance to learn new skills, follow your
dream, find a better relationship, or realize you are enough. As Nietzsche
said, find something in the pain that is redeemable. Improvisers are taught to
follow the fear. Face your pain and your fears but don’t let them control you. Playing
it safe never gets you anywhere.
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